I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
