I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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