i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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