SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
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I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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