Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
