I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
