I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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