so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
