He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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