So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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