Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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