the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
