The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
