so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
