I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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