So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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