The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
