I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
