my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
jump out the window naked night went bad
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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