i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
