he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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