apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
