I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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