John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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