I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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