Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
