i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
