She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
