Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
