Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
