This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i drank out of a bidet.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
