I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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