I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
