it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
