that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
