i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
True strength comes from lack of pants
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
