Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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