____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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