Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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