My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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