I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
