You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
