How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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