u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
