I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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