One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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