if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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