There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
