cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
