Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Are we still banned from the library?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
