my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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