Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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