So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
